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A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the
beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging
the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it
in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed
off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not
black or white."
To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"
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