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Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away.
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the
congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster
fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.
"I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say
that I am?"
And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master,
thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation
of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute,
divine, sacerdotal monarch."
And Jesus said, "What?"
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