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Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her that she
cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to
enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I
want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses
says "Yeah sure." So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the
water, that was always a good one." So Jesus walks over to the edge of the
boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back
into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?" and
Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"
A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want
to see your mother again...'
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The
Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,
"YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
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