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A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in
his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked
it up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, I
will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They
walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all
sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer
and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how
important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his
house would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on to
a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that
this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to
St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he
gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,
and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at the
Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But
we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first
lawyer ever to make it up here."
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
street between their establishments.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.
The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this
kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said
to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can
do something about this...'
To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in
sales, not management.'
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun
began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I
heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,
"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
"How much did you win?"
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