Religious jokes

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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the
reception committee, and
after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad
recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of
the Holy Scriptures, and
spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a
linguistic master, he
sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the
Bible, working back
from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come
running to him, only to
find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering,
"An 'R'! They left out
the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem
is. After collecting
his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was
supposed to be
CELEBRATE!"

Rating: 1.6 |

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a
new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule. When he
got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
where he had to sit
and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
church, the man met
the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
told him "I want to
thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
a hat and after
hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
mind?"
Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

Rating: 2.4 |

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the
fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Rating: 2.0 |

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly
announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a
minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you
decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday
anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen.

Rating: 1.4 |

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Rating: 3.0 |

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