Religious jokes

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The Chief Rabbi and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices a fancy shmancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What's that phone for?" he asks. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" the Pope replies.

The Rabbi is doubtful, but the Pope insists that he tries it out and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord and chats away with Him for a while. After he hangs up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for the charges I have used up." The Pope doesn't want to take the money, but finally gives in, checks the counter and says: Allright! The charge was 50,000 Lira.", which the Rabbi gladly pays.

A couple of weeks later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Rabbi's chambers he sees the identical phone he has with a direct line to the Lord. The Pope asks if he could use it, because there were some urgent matters he needed to consult with Him. The Rabbi gladly hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After he hangs up, he says: "Now I also want to pay for my charges on your phone." The Rabbi looks on the counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

Rating: 3.2 |

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

Rating: 3.0 |

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we
do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"

Rating: 3.4 |

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None
survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the
Creator of all.

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
is strong!"

Goldblum sighed with relief.

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom Kippur?"

Bauman hung his head in shame.

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my people, but I can accept these
indiscretions."

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz,
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....

"Closed for the Holiday !!!"

Rating: 2.6 |

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Rating: 3.0 |

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